A while ago, as I was putting my guitar away, a small, white packet fell out of the case. I picked it up, and, as expected, it was Sillica Gel. Now, who out there can tell me what the packet for Sillica Gel says? Yeah. That’s right. “SILLICA GEL. DO NOT EAT.”

Who’s that for?! This means there must be people – actual, grown adults – who eat whatever they find in newly bought travel-cases. It’s the only explanation I can think of, and believe me, I’ve spent a while trying to think of more plausible circumstances.

And they’re by no means alone out there. I was talking to a friend who lives in Keynsham. Keynsham is a little town half way between Bristol and Bath, and it has two dubious distinctions; It’s where Trisha, the talk-show host, came from, and it’s education system is responsible for producing me. Yeah, start your petitions to have it raized to the ground here.

Anyway, one other thing Keynsham has is a distinct surplus of charity shops. I’m not for a moment suggesting that sweet old ladies who represent the unwell and enfeebled by working in these shops are secretly involved in a sinister conspiracy to take over the world, but every time a shop closes in Keynsham, some form of charity shop takes it’s place. It’s worrying, and faintly sinister.

My friend was telling me that one of the things being sold in one shop was a second-hand chamber pot. (Eight pounds, for anyone interested.)

Once again, the mind boggles as to just who the hell donates a chamber pot to charity, let alone why they’d try to sell it on. Can you imagine how that conversation went?! I’d just love to meet the guy who convinced them to take it off his hands. He’s some sort of financial idiot savante. Not only does he think a used chamber pot would be a big earner, but he somehow he convinces other people that this is the case, too.

Clearly, even on this person-to-person level, people are getting stupider by the minute. Look who’s in the White House, for Christ’s sake.

Don’t be fooled, either, by my referring to them as simply “people.” You may think that the sort of people who need to be told in big letters not to eat silica gel and who sell (or buy) chamber pots are some sort of faceless horde, but actually I’ve met one of their number.

Her name was Mair, pronounced “Myah.” This tells you all you need to know.

Anyway, she was working on a film project with my A level media group. She’d written a script and was, naturally, acting as script consultant. She had to drop out, though, due to a car related injury.

Imagine, if you will, your car. Or your parents’ car, or your friend’s car, or whatever. Some form of wheeled automotive transport.

Mair suffered a concussion when she shut her head in the car door.

I think this is worth taking some time to consider. I myself have spent many fruitless hours leaning, bending and generally contorting myself in the driver’s seat to try to find some angle at which I could accidentally shut the door on my head. No luck. It’s a fun game to play at home, if you have a lot of time, like me.

Still, let’s not make light of this too much. She didn’t just shut her head in the door. She shut her head in the door hard enough to cause a concussion and have to take time off work. I think you’ll agree, this takes some doing. This is the sort of person we’re up against.

So what is to be done about this tide of stupidity? For years, statisticians have been telling us that there are too many people in the world. There’s not enough food to go around, and the population grows all the time. The human race is heading for a meltdown. (It’s a good thing nobody listens to statisticians, otherwise we’d have a panic on our hands.)

I propose we start treating other people like they’re intelligent. It’ll weed out those that are hard of thinking pretty sharpish. That sign on hairdryers that says “Do not use in the shower” ? Take that off, for starters. I know not to do it. You know not to do it. Anyone who needs that label is clearly just excess baggage for the human race. Then we get rid of the “Do Not Eat” signs on everything that is patently not for consumption, as well as any other warning signs that most of us find un-necessary to guide us through our day to day lives. In fact, aside from truly complex heavy machinery and lab equipment, I can’t think of anything that needs a warning label. Think about it; if you bought a chain saw, would you really need it to come with a tag that says “Warning: Chainsaw. Be f*cking careful!”, or would you just naturally err on the side of caution? I think you know the answer.

Then, once we’ve dispensed of the warning labels, we go through hospital patient lists, and anyone who is in there because they shut their head in the car door or stuck their tongue in a plug socket will have their names taken and a free crate of sillica gel delivered to their door. Finally, we hold an audition for a reality TV show, and everyone who turns up to apply can be taken into a back room and shot.

I reckon with my scheme, we can get back to a reasonable size population pretty damn soon, and not long after that there won’t be a chamber pot for sale in a charity shop anywhere in the land.

A man can dream…

P.S.: If you don’t hear from me again, assume the blue haired Charity Shop Mafia have taken me away.